CS Lewis Got This Wrong

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

-CS Lewis

His heart’s in the right place. Friendships are beautiful, just like art and philosophy. But I’m going further. Friends aren’t a luxury. They shape us at every moment throughout life, and the number and the depth of our friendships determine how long we will live.

William Rawlings wrote the Foreword to The Psychology of Friendship and outlines the following characteristics that make the relationships with our friends unique:

1. Voluntary. We get to choose our friends.

2. Personal Relationship. We’re not friends with brands, no matter how much they want us to feel that way.

3. Affective Bond. We have an emotional attachment to our friends.

4. Mutual. A one-sided friendship is only that in name. Both sides have to buy into the relationship.

5. Equal. We have to be on equal footing with our friends. Maybe not in every aspect and in every moment, but overall friendships should be equal.

These five attributes make friendship both fragile and beautiful. It’s an idea that Lewis’ quote hits at so eloquently. We volunteer for our friendships, which means that we can walk away from them. And we do.

We sacrifice time with our friends in service to the demands of work and family. According to the Time use survey, after we turn 24, we spend less time with our friends than any group we belong to. That doesn’t change until we get to retirement age.