Miscommunication, Not Malice

How to clear your mind and come to conflict at your best

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Most conflicts stems from miscommunication, not malice. We have a hard time resolving them because we don’t have a clear idea of what we want, what upset us in the first place, what would make us feel better (if anything), and what a good solution would look like if someone could magically make it happen.

Writing about my resentments cut my overthinking in two profound ways. First, it answered the question of whether I had a serious beef with someone, as opposed to just being annoyed. Secondly, it allowed me to approach conflicts with a clearer mind.

Here’s a process I started using in both personal and professional settings to deal with emotional conversations.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

First, I sit down in front of my computer a few days ahead of time and write a letter to them. The first draft’s a safe space. I get it all out. Let every fuck fly. Insult them. Insult their mom. Insult their dog. Nothing’s off limits. I check the whole list. It gets ugly. Then I walk away and let it cool overnight.

When I return, I edit out the fucks and the insults and reread it. Do I have a clear ask? Usually not. With the raw emotion exhausted, I write out what I want during the second session. Having a clear ask makes or breaks conflict resolution. Without one, I’m just venting. It creates more resentments and destroys relationships.

Once I understand what I want, I have to ask myself if it’s fair. Can they control it? If not, my anger belongs somewhere else. Maybe just in the nasty draft. It feels awful when someone demands things I not control, after all. With a clear ask written out, I let it sit overnight again.

Then it gets one last pass through. I cut any surviving insults and ask if I have come up with a viable solution. Complaining is easy. Saying no is easy. Showing up with a thoughtful and viable solution isn’t, but it signals I’m interested in a solution and not just a fight. Don’t overlook the word viable.

Once I have a viable solution to offer, I need to support it. I need to participate in it. Demonstrating my willingness to participate shows I’m invested not only in a solution, but in the relationship. I’m not demanding, I’m problem solving. Cooperative problem solving tends to yield better solutions, so I have to recognize the solution I bring to the discussion likely won’t be the one we settle on when we finish. It’s intended to start a discussion.

Coming to a conflict with a clear ask, viable solution, and an offer to support the solution gives you a way to resolve conflict to make your relationship stronger than before the rupture. It builds trust, washes away resentment (on both sides), and gives everyone involved a path forward.

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

A few years ago, I had a job negotiation. I had led the sales team for about two and a half years, and I thought we had done well. To make it through the COVID year, we did all kinds of shuffling. The management all took pay cuts. Even though our business was back on track, I suspected the ownership group would to keep me at the lower pay. I stewed about the meeting for a week until I did this exercise. I wrote a scathing letter to them, highlighted all of the dumb things they wanted to do, why none of it made sense, how I knew the way, and what I needed from our meeting. I nitpicked every stupid decision they made, highlighted every time they didn’t follow my guidance, and foreshadowed a future of doom and gloom ahead without me.

I didn’t have a clear ask at all. Just a bunch of insults. A couple of days later, I figured out what I actually wanted: to go back to my original pay structure. But I also figured out a civil way to bring it up with them. A way without the insults. A productive approach with a viable solution.

“Don’t come back without a job.” My wife said to me as I walked out the door. In the meeting, as I suspected, they wanted to keep things status quo. We went back and forth a few times. Eventually I offered a solution to get me to the pay I wanted through short-term bonuses, and we moved forward. I didn’t get everything I wanted, but the process saved me from sitting in the meeting like a powder keg ready to explode at the first slight or provocation.

Not Just For Conflict